


The Subconscious

by robertstanion



Series: PEIPHQ Shenanigans [1]
Category: Black Friday - Team StarKid
Genre: Angst, Gen, Racism, Social Issues, Xander Lee's first few weeks at PEIP, a brief insight into xander's life, xander and schaffer are buddies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:01:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24447007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robertstanion/pseuds/robertstanion
Summary: Xander Lee hadn't been at PEIP for too long, yet he'd already experienced enough to realise how many assholes he was working with.
Relationships: John McNamara & Xander Lee
Series: PEIPHQ Shenanigans [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1764349
Comments: 1
Kudos: 18





	The Subconscious

**Author's Note:**

> This is a VERY different approach to the style of writing I go for, but I'm very dedicated to the BLM movement going on, and while in quarantine, I am doing everything I can to help. If that means writing a fic about Xander Lee set in 2007 where he deals with racism, then so be it. This takes place a few weeks after Xander joins PEIP and he's already fallen for John, but no McNamander yet. 
> 
> TWS: Racism, Homophobia, mentions of bullying, public embarassment 
> 
> There are also a lot of italics because it is a very angsty chapter and the pressure of the words is THERE

Xander Lee had gone through many accomplishments, but his proudest was definitely joining PEIP. At the age of 22 years old, he was a private in the united states military. He wasn’t assigned to kill, though he was a field agent, but not like the stereotypical version. He wouldn’t carry a gun, but his weapon would be the cures, unless the person they were fighting armed was an alien with no human DNA confirmed. They didn’t like opening fire, none of them did, and he learnt that very early on. He stood in line, his shoulders back and his head up proudly. He wanted to present himself. It was a few weeks after he’d started on the job, and whether it was intentional or not, he found himself to be the only person of colour in the small section he’d work with. Everyone else fit the criteria of a stereotypical soldier, and he….didn’t.

He didn’t let it affect him at all. He’d grown up being the only person of colour around alone for quite some time, and he hadn’t really expected anything to change during his time at PEIP. However, what he didn’t appreciate was the looks and comments made about him. He’d be walking when he’d hear a slur under someone’s breath, or a remark about his skin. Xander brushed them off. He’d lived with it all his life. What he _hadn’t_ lived with all of his life was trying to live up to his General’s standards.

General John McNamara was _not_ an easy man to win over. He was strong, had a permanent cold façade fixed firmly upon his face, and was a heavy smoker. Xander couldn’t admit it because he’d be shamed even more…but the general, to him, was attractive. _Very attractive._ Watching the man move in front of him, he kept his head high and his jaw fixed. He looked straight ahead as the General continued his speech. He expected John to continue walking, but he didn’t. He stopped directly in front of Xander. This spiked the Private’s anxiety and he swallowed, the silence between them deafening. The General took a breath and looked at him. “Do you….care to explain?”

Xander swallowed again and remained silent. He didn’t know what John meant. Then he felt John brush down on Xander’s shoulders and chest. Xander bit his tongue as he heard the harsh sniggering from down the line. “Private Lee, I expect the utmost formality from my team. It’s a basic task to make yourself look presentable. This is the military. I don’t want to see animal fur on your uniform ever again, understood?”

“Yes sir.” Xander mumbled, but John stood still.

“Private, I don’t know if you know who you are speaking to, so may I remind you that I am your _superior_ and I shan’t stand for that kind of speech to be used around me. Understood?!” He said as he looked Xander in the eyes.

“Yes sir.” Xander said as strongly as he could. John nodded and walked on to the remaining few people, before dismissing the group. Xander had been publicly embarrassed in front of everyone, and the confidence he’d built up was gone. He turned and walked back to his laboratory, hearing a total of sixteen different comments based upon him being thrown, some slurs about his race or sexuality, others just pure dirt.

He closed the door. He was alone. They’d needed a theoretical physicist, and Xander had studied science, so he’d taken the job. He slid into his seat. He was 22 years old, racism shouldn’t be affecting him anymore. So why was it now? He put his head in his hands and logged on to the system and felt a tear trickle down his face. He thought he’d be safe in the military of all places, so why wasn’t he? He wanted to be safe, he wanted to be welcomed like he was promised, so _why wasn’t he?_ Why, apart from his race, was he hated so much? Sure, this was America, and this was supposed to be the picture perfect white washed version many saw in the movies, yet it wasn’t. Racism, sexism, homophobia was a consistency throughout the country which made the money he received not worth it. And of course, these issues weren’t confined to the continent, as it happened globally, but social issues seemed to follow him wherever he went.

He wasn’t a loud cryer. He was aware of the tears that fell down his face, yet he didn’t sob. He’d learned to be quiet when he cried in school in class. He hated drawing attention to himself. That was the last thing he wanted, but him standing up for himself, and him being confronted in front of the rest of his team was embarrassing. Xander was starting to think that coming to work wasn’t useful anymore. That, if he stepped through the door, he’d be met with abuse that was hurled at him on a daily. It wasn’t like he didn’t care, because he did, but this hurt too badly. It hurt to know the place he’d been so looking forward to working at was quickly becoming a fear, and it wasn’t like he could talk to the general about it either. No, John didn’t care. John walked past the obvious racism going on in his department and _ignored_ it. Xander was getting sick and tired of it, restless, and he wanted to stand up for himself.

But would he?

He heard the door click open and he wiped his eyes, collecting himself. “Private Lee, General McNamara told me to tell you he needs those files finished before you leave tonight.” The voice of Sargant Major Schaffer spoke and he nodded.

“Understood, ma’am.”

“And I’m here to talk to you.” She walked over to him and put her hand on his shoulder. “I heard people making fun of you, they said some horrible things.”

“I’m aware.”

“Has John done anything about it?”

“Why would he? He’s ignorant. He stands up for himself and only himself.”

“Well, if he isn’t going to do anything about it, then don’t you think you should do something yourself?” Xander looked up to Schaffer and shook his head.

“This is one black guy against several other white guys. Who’s voice is going to get heard?”

“It’ll be yours that gets heard when you rain hell on the General. He has good intentions, but by God, he doesn’t always stand by them. Don’t tell him I sent you, but certainly tell him the truth.” Xander looked away and nodded.

“Then I’ll drop off the files I finished a few moments ago on his desk and he can see who he really hired.” Xander said, adjusting his jacket and holding the stack of files in his arms. Schaffer smiled and saluted to him before he left, Xander walking out with her. He headed in the direction of John’s office and took a breath. He could do it. _He could do it._

* * *

He knocked and was met with the heavy voice of John’s, telling him to enter. He opened the door and slipped inside. “General McNamara, your files.” Xander said, a slight stride to his step as he slammed the files down on John’s desk. This caught his attention and he dropped the pen he was holding to clasp his hands together.

“Private, wasn’t that a little forceful? I suggest you rethink your actions.” He said calmly, but didn’t expect Xander to fold his arms and to shake his head.

“I don’t think I will.”

“Private Lee, you are being _extremely_ troublesome today. I am _this_ close to firing you-“

“For doing what?” Xander challenged, watching his superior. “For coming to work, doing the work, and then going home? For coming into work from the house I share with my parents and a white dog who likes to be held and reassured that he’s okay and safe, unlike how he was with his previous owners. Yet I should rethink my actions when I stand in line, holding my head up high, proud to be in this place only to be embarrassed by my general, someone I should be proud to work for, yet he calls me out in front of everyone because of animal fur on my uniform!”

“It didn’t make you appear formal. I was only protecting you.”

“Bullshit!” Xander burst and looked at him, unclasping his arms. “Protecting my ass! From what?! You tell me _exactly_ from what you’re protecting me from!”

“I’m protecting you from embarrassment, as I do with all my other recruits.”

“Yeah?! Well I’m not ‘all your other recruits.’” His lip curled and he slammed his hands on John’s desk. “My name is Xander James Lee, I am a Private of the United States military, special unit P.E.I.P, and I am a black male of the age of 22. On top of that, I am gay. I am a black, gay male who, since joining a few weeks ago, has had to put up with homophobic and racist remarks every time I pass people who believe they are superior to me, a mere private, because they can control me because they are higher ranks. That’s how it works, isn’t it?! I’m _just_ a private! I’m not needed! But I’m the only theoretical physicist you have, and you can try and fire me all you want, but I’ll always show back up. Because you, John McNamara, claim to be protecting all your recruits, but that was before I showed up. It’s almost like you _hate_ me! Just like everybody else here!”

“I don’t hate you, Private.”

“No, you do, and here’s why.” He stood back up and began pacing John’s office. “In line today, it isn’t my fault my dog sheds, yet you put the blame on me, calling me out in front of everyone in line even though I made it _explicitally_ clear during my interview I had diagnosed anxiety and would rather be pulled to the side. Another recruit I know, Sam Hartford, also has diagnosed anxiety and he went through a similar thing, except you spoke to him privately after the meeting. Why didn’t you do the same for me?” He paused momentarily, and watched John open his mouth to speak, but he cut him off. “Oh, wait, you forgot about my diagnosis! Because just like everyone else, I am seen as a minority to you and nothing else. I’m not a person. I’m a theoretical physicist. And do you want to know the reason you had none prior to me? Because you made the job up, didn’t you?!” Xander looked to John, angry tears bubbling in his eyes. John’s silence answered his question for him. “Exactly. You didn’t need a scientist to study the rest of the galaxy and the universe to see how we can prevent cosmic issues. You just didn’t want a person like me to be seen in the battlefield. You wanted me to stay hidden away for as long as possible, but I’m not getting payed to be hidden away.”

“It wasn’t like that.” John muttered quietly but Xander laughed harshly.

“No, John, you say that now because you know you’ve been caught in the act by someone who is sick and tired of being ignored. You claim to be protecting your troops yet your troops are the ones being racist towards me. I did _not_ go through school all my life followed by slurs and taunts to get my degree in science only to come here and go through the exact same thing after I was promised safety, security, equality. And, fuck, I’ve _watched_ you walk past me as slurs were thrown past me! Your staff denied me the right to eat in the cafeteria because of my skin colour, the security guards by the front desk tackled me out the front until Sargant Major Schaffer confirmed I was a part of PEIP, and once I was with her, a _white_ member of PEIP, only _then_ was I allowed in the precinct!”

“I had no idea.”

“No, you didn’t, because you ignore the truth of what is happening in your precinct so _you_ don’t get shut down.” He jabbed a finger towards John and shook his head, tears continuing to fall. “You’re a racist.”

“I am not!” John said defensively but Xander laughed exasperated.

“You _are_ a racist! You may claim not to be, but you have that subconscious that tells you that because a man thousands of years ago thought people of colour were superior to him, that a white man could turn us into slaves. Since then we have been hidden by the media, payed less, given less opportunities. Because of our shitty paying jobs, we are unable to live in nicer areas and therefore many distant relatives live in harsher communities and are more likely to get diseases, and when they get those diseases or injuries or whatever, dare they go to a hospital knowing they can’t pay! And you may walk past me, and I see you snarl when you see me smiling. You pretend to provide equality for your troops, yet you keep proud _racists_ under your roof. Fuck you.”

“Do _not_ speak to me like that.”

“No, John, this is _your_ life, so do something about it.” Xander said and wiped his eyes. “Because I am exhausted. I’ve been trying to find my place for so long and I thought I finally had it here at PEIP. I guess not. I don’t hate you either, I can’t, you’re my General and I admire you, but I do not admire your toxicity. So do something about it. Now, seeing as the only _other_ case you handed to me was one I finished in half an hour, I’m going to fulfil my wish of wanting to go home. Maybe I’ll come in tomorrow, maybe I won’t, but keeping a whitewashed community is going to do nothing.” He said and spat on the desk before he left, buzzing with adrenaline. He didn’t turn back.

* * *

He didn’t explain the situation to his parents until the next day where they encouraged him to go back. He hadn’t _really_ been fired, not to the best of his knowledge, so he drove himself in, proudly covered in dog fur. He wasn’t going to change because some person thought they were better than he did. He was going to stay the same. He stood in line that same day, shoulders back, head held high, and John started his talk. He stopped in front of the three a little down the line who were the main targets.

“Bridges, Gregoria, Tamsin, I’ve reviewed the camera footage from around the precinct about an incident bought to my attention yesterday about how you’ve been treating one of my soldiers.” He said and Xander felt a glimmer of hope. “Specifically Private Lee. We may not all get along, but that is no excuse to turn PEIP into a place of prejudice and horror. PEIP has treated many different people of sexualities and backgrounds into it’s walls since the 1960’s. It is 2007 and I suggest you boys get a grip.” He snarled, getting up close to one of their faces. “But I don’t want to see you get your grips here. The three of you, get out of my precinct, and never return.” There was a few moments of quiet before six sets of footsteps walked away and out of the room. John continued his talk, not stopping until the very end, where he approached Xander.

“Good morning, General.” Xander said, trying to hide the very obvious smile that was forming on his face.

“I rethought what you had said to me yesterday, and I must admit, I haven’t intended to be…racist, but I must have been caught up and too distracted to notice-“

“Just say your subconscious views make you see me this way. It’s fine and scientifically proven that it happens.” Xander said and John breathed, nodding.

“Nobody deserves to be treated like that, and I’m glad you came to me and bought the matter into the light. I’m proud of you.” He said before he turned and walked away.

This caused Xander to grin more. He opened his lab and closed the door, screaming for joy. Xander Lee was _not_ a confident person, yet he knew how to defend himself, and if that meant knocking some sense into people of a higher power who believed people of different races were worse than others, then he’d keep doing it, because the end result was addicting. It was only three people, but he was already feeling better. It wouldn’t fix the insults he’d experienced, but it would certainly fix his experience in the future. Things were looking brighter for him and PEIP as a whole.

**Author's Note:**

> i am a mini activist and i am proud


End file.
